Bella Faith

I appreciate all the heartfelt advice I received following my last post. I'm on the hunt for a children's book that will help us explain our situation to our 3 year old. If anyone has a title for me, that would be super helpful!

This week has been a weird week for me. In many respects, it has been MUCH harder than last week. I think that the "freshness" of the diagnosis has worn off, friends are staring to call and check on us less, life is starting to settle back into a "normal" routine---and our reality is really starting to sink in. It's so odd how in the split second that we learned the news about our sweet baby, all our plans for the rest of the year kind of shifted and changed. Even little stuff. For example, I have not really put away much of the baby gear because we would just be getting it right back out! Now, I'm starting to store some of that away for a time much further down the road. The weekend before our ultrasound, I had pulled out all my maternity clothes to put in my closet. After our ultrasound, they sat in heaps on our bedroom floor for a week because I wasn't sure if I would be needing them. We had already thought through the fact that we would have a newborn around the holidays which would affect our traveling plans--now, that is not the case. All of these things are just little things, but these thoughts will hit me at the weirdest times and catch me off guard.
I also have been starting to feel big and pregnant. I told myself that I would never again for one second complain about being pregnant. (of course, if my next baby makes me as sick in the beginning as this one did, that might be tough to stick to :)  But sometimes, like when I try to sit on the floor and do puzzles with my son and my belly gets in the way, or I get so out of breath doing the simplest tasks, or when it is difficult to pick up my kids or get comfortable to sleep, I really have to work at not throwing myself a big ol pity party. I know it is going to get SO much harder as time goes on, knowing that in the end, I will have nothing to show for all of it. I really have to hold my thoughts captive and not go down the "poor me" road. I want to cherish every moment I get to spend with this baby. While many well-intentioned friends have mentioned that maybe God will take the baby earlier and it would be easier on me--that is not my prayer. I truly want to spend as much time with this baby as possible. I want to be able to hold her at the hospital and kiss her sweet little face and tell her that we loved her every moment that she was on this earth. Obviously, as God is teaching us through all of this, it doesn't really matter what we WANT. He already knows the plans for us. Plans for our good. So I fully trust Him with that. There is freedom in knowing that. Especially for a hyper-planner like myself, it is comforting to know that I don't have to be "in charge" of this (or anything for that matter). That God has it under control. It also is hard to put on my pity party hat because, while this is definitely the hardest thing that I have had to deal with, it is NOT the worst thing in the world. There are so many people going through things a MILLION times harder than this. Of that I am fully aware.
At the end of the day, we are so incredibly blessed. My kids, for the most part, get me through the day. There is never a dull moment. And even on their worst days, I don't go too long without a big hug or a slobbery kiss. And plenty of smiles!


p.s. A lot of you caught in a previous post that I referred to our baby as a "her." At the ultrasound, the doctor could not say for certain the gender of the baby. His best guess was that "it" was a "she." I'm hoping that if we have any more ultrasounds down the road, we will be able to know for sure. In the meantime, I get really tired of calling her an "it." That makes it seem like it is just a blob in my belly rather than our sweet precious baby. So, we decided to go with the doctors guess (plus, we have thought for months that she was a girl)

So "she" is our sweet   Bella Faith  :)

Isn't she a beauty.